What Do British Women Want?

According to the author Renée Carlino, all a woman requires from a man is "to be wanted, appreciated, and respected." However, if you happen to be a single man in his 20s or 30s, you could be forgiven for thinking otherwise. That's because, in recent years, it has become fashionable for self-appointed "Red Pill" gurus to bang on about the 6-6-6 Rule. In short, to grab the attention of an attractive female, a man must be 6' tall, have a 6-figure income, and have 6-pack abs.

That's bad news for the men of the UK. The average British man stands at 5ft 10in, makes around 35k per year, and is overweight or obese. The good news, however, is that the rule is not set in stone. In fact, some have suggested that it's entirely detached from reality. Obviously, most women, if given the choice, would choose a tall, strapping man with a good income over a rotund, vertically challenged individual making pennies. But the 6-6-6 man is an ideal, something aspirational, and largely unattainable. The 6-6-6 man occupies the realm of fantasy, not everyday reality.

Men of Britain and beyond, listen up. You needn't possess the body and bank balance of Chris Hemsworth to secure a quality woman. The keyword in the previous sentence is 'secure.' You see, the Red Pill gurus regularly fail to differentiate between women with secure and insecure attachments. And this matters when we ask, what do women want?

It is estimated that 40 per cent of people, men included, have an insecure attachment style. Insecure attachment styles come in two forms: anxious and avoidant. As Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps explains, men and women who struggle with the former often experience a sense of inadequacy or flaws within themselves. They have a strong desire to be accepted, comforted, and validated by others, yet this reassurance is often short-lived. Consequently, these individuals commonly grapple with feelings of unworthiness, clinginess, jealousy, and self-doubt. Individuals with avoidant attachment, on the other hand, tend to have a positive self-perception, but they tend to avoid forming close emotional bonds with others. They are not emotionally available for others and do not anticipate receiving emotional support from them either. Sex differences in attachment styles have been well documented. Men tend to be more avoidant, while women tend to be more anxious.

One assumes that most, if not all, single men out there reading this would prefer to attract a female with a secure attachment style rather than an insecure one. Which begs the question: What do secure women want from men? Adam Lane Smith, an attachment specialist who works with struggling couples for a living, offers some sage advice. First, emotional discipline is key. "She can't trust you if you're controlled by your feelings," he says — no, warns. He's right, no one, be they male or female, respects an overly emotional man. There's a reason that Ben Shapiro interview with Andrew Neil went viral.

Second, a man must have goals. "She needs to know what you're aiming to achieve," says Smith. Again, he's right. Goals are sexy. To be clear, rational, realistic goals are sexy. They signal ambition, and ambition is attractive. A man must also be stable, both in a psychological and financial sense. "Don't disrupt her life with drama, financial crashes, or danger," notes Smith. Wise words. Stability is a close sibling of security. What person reading this doesn't desire stability and security?

Interestingly, if a recent study is to be believed, most women don't want a fella who listens to Joe Rogan. They consider this a 'red flag.' Thankfully, my fiancée does not. Smith believes that although Rogan "is a polarising figure, I love that he provokes conversation. Many people are going to be uncomfortable with the guests he brings on, but leaning into conflict and investigating controversy shouldn't be a red flag." "Instead," he suggests, "if your date listens to Joe, ask them why. Be curious about their thinking. That can reveal red flags or even green flags based on their answers for listening to him."

Joe Rogan aside, Smith, an affable, gregarious individual, believes that a man who offers emotional safety and predictability "creates a huge counterpoint to the chaos and turbulence of the modern world." "Women today feel more overwhelmed than ever," he says, "and a partner who can provide shelter against the storm is highly valued." It's not rocket science. It's evolutionary science.

As for the aforementioned Red Pill gurus, Smith makes an interesting point. Their content, he contends, "points men at being 'high value' as if women want status from you. But that is the realm of women who have given up on love or connection and are obsessed with material things as their only means of safety. A woman who believes in human connection wants more than material things. And a good man makes her feel safe with his character." Material possessions are nice, but a man with a Porsche who lacks emotional and psychological depth is nothing more than an oversized baby with an expensive car. That's not sexy. It's sad.