Will Smith Is NOT Suicidal

World-famous cuckold Will Smith doesn’t like it when people talk about his wife; his vindictive, talentless, cheating, race-baiting, moron wife. Well, buckle up, Will, because I’m going to talk some mad trash about your simpleton of a wife. And she is an utterly irredeemable simpleton. 

If Will Smith tops himself, she will be entirely to blame. She has humiliated and broken him in multiple ways and on multiple occasions. She apparently dominates him so completely that merely an expression of distaste on her face is enough for him, at a moment's notice, to commit violent crime and torpedo his own career and reputation in front of millions of people and all his peers. Theirs is a visibly toxic relationship. She is a cancer in his life, and either he is in deep, deep denial about that, or he is suffering from an acute case of Stockholm syndrome. I have zero sympathy for him. Just like women who return to abusive partners over and over again, I can muster no empathy.

We have all seen what happened at the Oscars. Before I get into the sordid and disgusting details about the weirdo Smith family and their clown-world view of reality, I’d like to say a brief word about Chris Rock’s joke and the nature of being bald. I am bald—male pattern baldness, not alopecia—and wouldn’t dream of attempting a comb-over, or wearing a toupee, or getting skin grafts. No, I’m happy enough just to shave it all off and crack on with my life. Still, going down that route, though liberating to an extent, steering into the slide, does come with one unavoidable consequence: you are going to get teased and mocked for it occasionally. That’s inevitable. It comes with the territory. 

Rock’s ‘joke’, however, was so very vanilla. It was about as gentle as bald jokes get. It wasn’t even impertinent; it was simply recognising that talent vacuum Pinkett Smith processes a shorn pate, as did Demi Moore in a cruddy movie twenty-five years ago. Yet talent-sink Pinkett Smith and world-famous cuckold Will Smith apparently think they are beyond ridicule. They seem to think they are off-limits for comedy, that they are above derision. Well, they aren’t. If anything, the opposite is true. They are perfect fodder for being lampooned. They are so absurd and self-righteous that it is difficult not to regard them as something worthy of contempt.

On then to world-famous cuckold Will Smith’s response to Rock’s ultra-vanilla joke. The Fresh Prince’s first reaction was to laugh. So all his anger and indignation is obviously phoney, or merely performative for his wife’s sake, or at least disingenuous and misdirected. The combination of low or non-existent impulse control, combined with a burning sense of his own humiliation and disgrace at his wife’s hands, resulted in Will Smith making a decision which was wildly, stupendously out of proportion. Whatever semblance of rational decision-making or self-control Will Smith might once have had was demolished in an instant by the sight of Jada’s humourless, wooden po-face. Will Smith seems not to be thinking for himself, but instead, like a trained beast or an automaton, simply fulfilling the wishes and desires of its master. To witness it in a human man is equal parts pathetic and sad.

On the punch itself; it was a sucker punch—or rather more of a sucker slap. What a weak move. What a bitch move. I would be ashamed to ever use a sucker punch. Sucker punches are the strict reserve of cowards. To employ a sucker punch against someone a foot shorter and fifty pounds lighter than yourself is proof that Smith processes no martial ability whatsoever. He is certainly devoid of any concept of fair play. Would king of the cucks Will Smith have done what he did had it been Terry Crews hosting, or Dave Bautista? I think not. Smith showed his true colours in that moment, the colours of a bully and a coward, the colours of a morally bankrupt idiot thug. I suspect that after playing Muhammad Ali, Smith bought the lie that he was actually a fighter, or as physically tough in any real concrete sense. Just one more example of Will Smith living in a parallel and totally unhinged universe.

It was when Will ‘low impulse control’ Smith returned to his seat that the real darkness appeared, when the Smith family showed its real stripes. With Will himself bellowing expletives, and a grateful Jada holding his hand in solidarity, their diabolically confused ‘son’ tweeted that “this is how we do it.” Utterly classless and barbaric all round. If the whole affair was fake—which I don’t buy for a second—then Will’s enraged outburst from his seat is the best acting performance he has ever turned in. His most convincing performance to date.

Let’s be honest, Will Smith is not a first-tier actor. Sure, he’s better than, say, Orlando Bloom, or Rob Schneider, but he is no Robert De Niro. He is no Peter O’Toole.

Speaking of O’Toole, in Smith’s subsequent Oscar win a few minutes after slapping Rock, he quoted Auda Abu Tayi from Lawrence of Arabia, saying that he was a river to his people. Oh the hubris, the hypocrisy, the complete lack of self-awareness is breathtaking. For those who might not know, Auda was a Bedouin Arab freedom fighter from the early twentieth century who fought in numerous battles and genuinely redistributed his wealth among his actual people. Smith’s estimated personal fortune, standing around $350m, suggests he has done no such thing.

In that same tear-streaked speech, Smith also seemed to say that he was doing God’s work, that he had some type of divine calling. Though not uncommon for egotists to reference God at awards ceremonies, but this one seemed particularly thin, this one seemed especially contrived. The whole thing was an embarrassing attempt to deflect and garner sympathy. Again, this is both pathetic from a man in his fifties, and another example of Smith’s departure from reality. Were those tears of gratitude or joy? Both unlikely. Were they tears of embarrassment and humiliation? More plausible. Were they tears for a marriage which has so thoroughly emasculated him that his name is synonymous with cuckoldry? Quite possibly.

Finally, there has emerged footage of the afterparty, where Will ‘zero impulse control’ Smith was seen to be happy and dancing and having a jolly old time. Apparently Smith felt unburdened by any concerns about charges being brought, nor the undeniable disgrace he has heaped on himself and the Academy. We can only surmise that Smith felt he hadn’t done anything wrong. He was just protecting his wife. Utter piffle, of course. In a civilised society, it is simply unacceptable to strike someone for making a tame joke, especially when you’re supposed to be a type of role model.

I’m given to understand that Chris Rock has so far declined to press any charges, which I don’t blame him for. There’s no need to match a bitch move with another. I hope, however, that those in the West who have any concept of decency will remember this whole dirty episode, and remind Mr Smith and his moron, race-baiting wife of their derangement at every possible opportunity. The memes alone, already, are superb. May Will Smith rue the day he thought he and his imbecile family were above criticism.